Sweet Surrender
by estrelita
Summary: Yea, just another postfault that I just had to do! I'm not good with doing summaries that often...so...just know that it's great! LOL Olivia is reflecting on what has gone on within the past few hours of her life...and thinking of Elliot. But is Elliot th


**Yea, another oneshot. I can't help myself...I caught the 'Kayshot bug'! LOL I hope you enjoy and leave many comments! This one's for Kay, who I finally got to call! And for giving me the idea to use this song. For Kelly who warned me about the furbies! And colores whose my wonderful beta, and helped me make this oneshot alot better! Thanx you guys! Luv ya all!**

**Disclaimer: yea...don't rub it in...one day they will be mine!

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**Artist:** Sarah McLaughlin

**Song:** Sweet Surrender

Olivia Benson sat on the swing set. As she swung slowly, the sand brushed her bare feet. She was in a small area of Central Park that had sand, slides, and the sunshine of a perfect, cloudless day.

She smiled weakly as she watched the children in the park running and playing. It amazed her how many people were so happy, while her own world, her own life, was falling apart.

Olivia's eye caught a man pushing his kids on the swing set far across from her. He reminded her so much of her partner; of Elliot and his kids. How their lives had once fallen apart, a couple of years back. Now it was happening all over again, and this time she was being dragged down, too. This time she and Elliot were falling. She couldn't save him like she did before; she couldn't even save herself. Elliot was the only one who could…but she knew in her heart that he wouldn't. Not after what he said they couldn't be partners. That's when her world came crashing down.

Olivia wondered whether or not Elliot knew she had gone to Cragen and asked for a new partner already. She wondered whether he was upset that she asked without him there, or if he was happy that he wouldn't have to 'watch Olivia's back' any more.

How could someone she loved so much hurt her in so many ways? It was unbearable.

How could Elliot just leave her in that cold waiting room all by herself? How could he say those things? He had blamed her for Ryan's death; criticized her for not shooting Gitano.

"What about me," she had whispered in the waiting room.

Elliot had shaken his head solemnly. "You and this job are about the only things I have left anymore. And I don't want to wreck that."

A salty tear ran down Olivia's face as she swayed on the swing and remembered the events of earlier that day. The wind blew strands of golden brown hair into her face. The words "we can't keeping choosing each other over the job...we can't be partners" still rang through her head.

She wouldn't choose the job over him any more. She would do her job. But how did Elliot expect her to be responsible for his death? She loved him. But…

**_It doesn't mean much_**

**_It doesn't mean anything at all_**

**_The life I've left behind me_**

**_is all a cold room_**

She had crossed the line. They both crossed the line. How could they have let this get so far without realizing it? Was it fate? But how could fate do that? How could it bring them so close just to rip them apart?

Their love was strong. But why hadn't they seen it before? Were they that blinded by the light, blinded by the badge, by the truth, by the bets Munch and Fin had made?

Olivia cracked a small smile thinking about Munch and Fin– and how they use to bet the other over when she and Elliot would get together. Who would win now?

All she knew was that neither she nor Elliot had won this bet. Earlier it wasn't a bet. It was life or death. It wasn't time for laughs. It was time to save Ryan and Rebecca. But they failed. And now a young boy was dead because of it.

Was it Olivia's fault as Elliot had said? Why had she let Gitano get so close? Was Elliot right? Did she make him turn away from Ryan? But how? Did she not know how to do her job? Did she always wait and expect Elliot to watch her back?

And if that was true…how come Elliot always did watch her back? She may have gotten struck by Gitano's knife, making Elliot turn away. But he didn't have to go after her. He could have gone after Gitano. Why didn't he? Was it his fault? Does it even matter now?

**_I've crossed the last line_**

**_From where I can't return_**

**_Where every step I took in faith _**

**_betrayed me_**

**_And led me far from home_**

Olivia wiped away her tears.

A small girl came running towards Olivia where her blue ball had bounced. She stopped and stared at Olivia. "Why are you crying?" the girl asked.

Olivia swallowed the knot in her throat. "I miss my friend," she sighed, noticing the boy the girl was playing with.

"Don't be sad. Sometimes I miss my friend." She pointed to the boy. "But we always see each other again. Where is your friend?"

"He's . . . I don't know," Olivia confessed.

"Don't worry. I'm sure he misses you too. You'll see him soon." The girl smiled at Olivia and ran back to her friend.

It wasn't Elliot's fault. It wasn't her fault. She didn't know whose fault it was anymore.

Every choice they made became a sacrifice. This just happened to be the biggest sacrifice of them all. As hard as they tried, they could never take it back. Not the words that had been said. Not the actions that were done. Nothing. It was all done. And what a price tag was attached!

There was nothing more to give; nothing more to take. No more tears to be shed. No more tears to dry…

They took a jump off a cliff to surrender their feelings. They didn't have time to think it through rationally. Elliot didn't know Olivia hadn't needed him when Gitano cut her. And Olivia didn't know whether Gitano was going to shoot Elliot. They had just plunged head first into the deep end.

**_And sweet surrender_**

**_is all I have to give_**

Life isn't fair. At least, not to her. The life she once knew was now fading in the distance.

The case was closed, no questions asked. The love they shared would be no more. They had to forget.

Is that what Elliot wanted? Because that wasn't like him. Who was he? He wasn't acting like himself. He may be stubborn, but never forgetful.

But Olivia couldn't forget. She hadn't been able to trust for years, because of what her "father" was. Elliot was one of the first men she had been able to trust. And she couldn't just forget him like that.

Everything around her had been a mistake. She was a mistake. Everything had been, until she discovered SVU…and Elliot.

**_You take me in_**

**_No questions asked_**

**_You strip away the ugliness_**

**_that surrounds me (who are you?)_**

Olivia was sorry for Ryan's death. She was sorry for everything.

She watched the children play and laugh. She saw the happy parents. Laughing, talking, playing…everything so perfect.

She and Elliot used to smile. Used to laugh. Used to walk close and share passing glances. How could everything go downhill like it had?

None of it made any sense.

Did he want her to go away? Or go down on her knees and ask for forgiveness? Well, she wasn't about to do anything like that.

Was Olivia that much in over her head? So much that she couldn't breathe? Each breath seemed like an eternity. Each one just like the last.

She has been pushed off the deep end, and now she drowned in her sorrow. Was she slowly dying inside? Or just fighting to survive?

**_Are you an angel?_**

**_Am I already that gone?_**

**_I only hope that,_**

_**I don't disappoint you **_

**_when I'm down her on my knees_**

**_(who are you?)_**

Olivia had to fight. The air was rushing from her lungs. But she had to stay alive. She had been so close to the surface, to a breath of air, but it felt like she was being pushed back under.

Why did she have to care so much so damn much? Is caring a burden? Because it seemed that every time she cared, her love grew stronger, and she was torn apart inside. Is it wrong to love someone too much? The way Olivia loved Elliot? Is that possible?

Is it possible to love until you had no more love to give?

**_And sweet surrender_**

**_Is all that I have to give_**

Someone sat down next to Olivia on the swing set.

She didn't bother to look at them. It was just another kids sitting to swing. Whoever it was began to swing.

Olivia swallowed another knot that was forming. How was she going to live like this? She couldn't go on living in this hell…

"Olivia?" said a voice next to her.

**_(Who are you?)_**

**_Sweet surrender_**

**_Is all that I have to give_**

"Yeah?" Olivia asked as she turned and saw the little girl on the swing. It was the same girl from before, but her little friend was no where in sight._ How did she know my name?_ Olivia wondered.

"Is that your friend over there?" She pointed. "'Cause he said he's been looking for you."

Olivia turned her head to see Elliot and the little girl's friend about some forty feet away. What was he doing here? What could he possibly say that would make everything better? Or did he just come to tell her he got a new partner?

"Yeah," she croaked. "That's my friend." A tear streamed down her cheek once more.

Elliot looked at Olivia, as if searching for permission in her eyes to come closer. He slowly took a few steps forward, the little boy in tow. He now stood a few feet way from Olivia's spot on the swing.

The girl jumped off the swing and smiled at Olivia, then at Elliot. "Come on Derek. Let's go play," she said to the little boy as they ran off.

Olivia looked into his eyes as he walked over and took her hand. His eyes plunged her into an endless sea of dreams.

That was all it took to break her. Even more tears streamed from her eyes. Her heart seemed to be split in two. His touch was her breaking point.

**_And I don't understand_**

**_By the touch of your hand_**

**_I would be the one to fall_**

Neither of them said a word. With just a simple touch of his hand, every moment, every memory came flooding back, like a dam breaking under pressure and destroying what lies in its path.

She didn't think of all the big things that had happened in her life. She thought about the simple, every day things, which kept her holding on tight.

Like the times Elliot would pick her up for work– after stopping at the precinct to get the Sudan. When Elliot would think of her in the mornings and bring her coffee or donuts. Or the times when perps stalked their victims and Elliot worried about her.

When they went out for drinks after work. When they shared their lunches with each other. Or when her heart had been shattered one too many times. He was always her shoulder to cry on..

How could something so sweet, so pure, so precious, fall and shatter like glass?

**_I miss the little things_**

**_I miss everything (about you)_**

Elliot could tell he had hurt her. He dropped her hand and sat on the swing next to her.

"Olivia… Liv, please," he pleaded. "I'm sorry."

**_It doesn't mean much_**

**_It doesn't mean anything at all_**

_**the life I left behind me **_

**_is a cold room_**

God he wasn't doing this! Not here, not now! Not after everything that had happened. What could he say?

"What? What do you want Elliot?" Olivia asked, not hesitating to hide the hurt and anguish in her voice. "Do you want to make me cry, then sit and watch me?"

Elliot took her hand again, swaying on his seat.

Olivia couldn't stand to look him straight in his deep, drowning eyes.

"I'm sorry. I was upset. Scared. I thought I was going to lose you. And when Gitano slashed you, I thought I would never see you again. I thought you would die in my arms. When Gitano held me there and I told you to shoot…you mouthed 'sorry'. I nodded and closed my eyes."

Olivia could feel another knot coming, but she still could not see where he was going with this.

"I thought I'd never see you again. I thought my last glimpse of you would be pointing a gun in my direction. So when I closed my eyes, I tried to hold onto another memory. One where you were happy. One where I could see your smile, Liv."

**_(Who are you?)_**

Olivia sighed, and shifted her gaze to his eyes. "Let's talk."

_**And sweet surrender **_

_**is all that I have to give**_

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So? I left it like that to let your creative minds wondered and think of what would happen next! Review review review! Keep an eye out for more of my working coming out soon! (Sounds like a movie or something...'In theaters soon!' LOL Sorry, go review now!

Cilla


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